Respecting Children
By: Neam Zalzala
Respect is an integral part of most cultures and societies, touching everyone from little children to elderly adults. But who decides who deserves respect? And how does a person show respect? These questions have differing answers in the various cultures, but Islam creates a universal foundation which may unite many cultural ways of life. The respect discussed in this article will focus on parents respecting children, which in turn, will lead to children respecting their parents and others.
The Holy Prophet of Islam(Prophet Mohammad) said:
"The child has three rights over his parents:
1. They select a good name for him;
2. Make him respectful (polite);
3. Support in establishing marriage/family.”1
This quote brings back the issue discussed in a previous article on children’s rights which also mentioned respecting them. And while the Prophet Mohammad states these three factors, this article will focus only on the second one, respect. Parents must abide by this duty to ensure that the child is raised to be respectful. This leads to the challenge of parenting and the way to teach the child respect. You, the parent, should be the first to be respected in that relationship. Seeing as you are the authority over your child, you would gain some respect due to your position. Even so, there are boundaries governing the treatment of your children. Authority does not mean dictatorship or ruling with cruelty and harshness. Parents must show respect to gain respect.
It takes practice, training, and commitment by both parents to create a harmonious respectful home atmosphere.
Kind Words
Imam Ali, also known as The Commander of the Faithful, said: “The best inheritance a father can give to his son is to train him to be polite.”2 So it is not enough that a father leave materialistic things for his children, it seems to be more important to leave the special value and characteristic of respect. Inheritance, however, is received after the father passes away, and politeness, one way of being respectful, must be instilled in that child while the father is still alive. So when the father passes away, politeness is already ingrained and will continue as part of the child’s characteristics. From a different angle, material inheritance may be consumed quickly or have a limited impact, mainly to the receiver. However, actions of politeness affect so many people in many good ways. Hence, a father instilling politeness in his child is just one way of giving the best inheritance to that child.
Speaking kindly to your child can help to build a special bond with him or her. Calm, softly spoken words will create a peaceful home. Using healthy language filled with appropriate words and vocabulary will help your child to use those same words. If the words are tainted with profanity, the child will find that to be acceptable and use that language elsewhere. Speaking to the child at his level (avoiding baby-talk and advanced adult vocabulary) also gives him the chance to comprehend the meaning of words. The way a parent speaks, the tone and words, is the way the child will speak back to the parent and others. In addition, if parents speak kindly to other children, this can reflect the way their own children will speak to other children.
To delve even further, how parents speak to other adults, especially the elderly adults, will be a prime example to their children in how they should speak to others. Some parents have a tendency to yell at their children; these parents may need to think about their reasoning for yelling. What is really causing the parent to yell? How can the parent change his approach with the child to avoid yelling? This reflection, for this scenario and others, may help reduce stress for both the parent and the child.
It is fairly easy to state that parents should speak kindly to their children, but encouraging parents to listen to their child maybe an even harder task. Some parents tend to view their own parental role as solely giving commands. These parents may have some difficulties giving the child a chance to share his ideas with them. Listening to a child is yet another way of showing respect. The child may have a story to share, feelings to express, or questions about life. In any case, granting time for a child to speak and sincerely listening to him will make him a good listener. One day when you need somebody to lend an ear to listen to you, he may be there for you because you gave him that chance.
A type of disrespect that many parents may not be aware of is ignoring their child. This can be at times when the child needs to share something urgent with you and you do not show them attention. Not acknowledging his presence, feelings, or thoughts are some of the ways of ignoring a child. There are rare times when ignoring a child is acceptable, such as to stop a bad attention-seeking behavior; ignoring that bad behavior may stop it. In general, if the time is not appropriate for the parent to fully focus on the child, let him know. For example, when a parent is on the phone and the child is seeking attention to tell a story, tell him: “I’m on the phone right now. When I’m done, I’ll listen to your story.” This example clearly lets the child know that he will have the opportunity to talk to the parent when the parent is free.
Gentle Actions
How would you like to be treated? With respect of course! Therefore, children must be treated with a certain level of respect, be it by you or another adult. Teach respect by setting examples of respect.
The Prophet Mohammad always treated children with affection and respect. Whenever he returned from his travels, the children used to run out and receive him. He would welcome them with hugs and kisses. When some of the children wanted to ride on his horse with him, he would allow them and would ask his companions to give the same opportunity to the other children. The Prophet of Islam used to greet the children and say,
“I greet the children so that greeting becomes their habit."3
Clearly Prophet Mohammad is the best example for parents to follow. He did not show pride in the fact that he was an adult, let alone a Prophet, and that the children should serve him or stay away from him. On the contrary, his display of respect and affection towards children was an example of how mankind should treat children. He even had his companions take an active part in his example so they would know how to treat children. Those children were the future adults that would teach their children the same respect, affection, and greetings. These good habits are the results of good role modeling. Hence, respectful behavior towards children will lead to children displaying the same respectful behavior.
Respecting Surroundings
Respecting children can also teach children to respect other people as well their surroundings. The general living environment for children must be clean and safe. It is important to teach children that their personal space, such as their bedroom, house, and classroom, all need special attention to remain clean and safe. Setting active examples and guidance can help children to respect their belongings, the belongings of others, and the environment as a whole. Constantly reinforcing respectful actions by your kind words and own purposeful examples are ways for children to continue to be respectful.
As a final note, respect is earned and learned. Kind words and gentle actions are some ways to teach respect and to earn respect. Take a moment to analyze your behaviors and spoken words, maybe even stand in front of a mirror and observe yourself, noting your behaviors and words. Imagine who is also looking back at you from the mirror; more often than not, it is your child—your reflection—and let that guide you to the appropriate path.
Endnotes
1. Wasail al-shiah, v 15, p. 123.
2. Gharar al hukm, p. 293.
3. Amini, Ayatullah Ibrahim. Principles of Upbringing of Children, Chapter 52.